What is a good way to end off a college app essay? (10 pts)?

My essay prompt is about facing obstacles. My biggest trouble with this essay is the ending so you can fast forward to the last paragraph or read the whole thing and give me a full answer. 10 pts to best answer! Scraping cockroaches from a moldy crumb tray, underneath a pastry oven, was not the idea I had in mind when I applied for my first real job the summer before my sophomore year of high school. I had been offered the position as a Deli Clerk at my local gourmet grocery store. At the time, it seemed like a fast and easy way to help my family make ends meet in a dwindling economy. I did not realize, however, that this would be a journey I would never forget. The obstacles that I overcame during my time at this position would teach me skills that I could build on for the rest of my life. When I staggered into the store for my first day, I was greeted by my manager, Barry, who threw me an apron and told me to get to work. As I approached my food station, I was notified by my co-workers that I would have to memorize different assortments of meats, breads, pastries, and product descriptions by the end of the week. I discovered that this would be a position that required superb memorization skills Suddenly, an abundance of customers surged into the store during lunch hour. Men and women dressed in business attire lined up around the counter eagerly waiting to be served. I rushed behind the deli station and quickly educated myself on how to slice ham, turkey, and beef at record speeds. Although not having any supervision was difficult at first, I realized that being able to educate and accomplish tasks on my own was incredibly rewarding. When the store finally closed at 10:00, I had sweat dripping off my forehead, and bruises on my hands, but my job was nowhere close to ending yet. My manager Barry stomped toward me and hastily handed me a mop and paper towels before returning to his office. One of my co-workers whispered to me that I would have to stay over two hours cleaning the food stations until they were immaculate. The store was under employed due to financial reasons, and I was there to pick up the slack. Cleaning underneath the ovens was certainly my most memorable experience due to the dead roaches I would have to scrape from under the crumb trays and dispose. At the end of my shift, I felt unbelievably exhausted, but I also felt as though I had really earned my money and discovered how determined I could really be. My experience at my first job lasted several months. In that time period, I proved to myself that I could become independent, determined, and responsible. I learned that in life, you are thrown many obstacles that you have to overcome on your own. I also recognized that the harder you work, the further you accomplish, and as you accomplish your goals, that will lead into a successful future. I feel that the ending sucks. Help! thanks to anyone willing to help! The more people who look at this thing, the better :). I know I have posted a lot about this. just really stressed

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2 Answers to “What is a good way to end off a college app essay? (10 pts)?”

  1. Doolittle says:

    I don’t know what the essay question was specifically looking for, but I feel as if you’ve forgotten to explain how the things you learned at work will be a benefit to the college that you’re applying for. You have to really sell yourself (don’t be modest). Many people can say that they learned the exact same things at their job. What will tie it all together, in my opinion, is a little elaboration.Write about how independence, determination, and being responsible will help you out in college and how it will not only help you out, but be a benefit for the school to have someone with those characteristics too. All of this is definitely implied by saying it will “lead into a successful future”, I just think that you should elaborate a bit more. Reading it as if you were on the selections committee, you might ask yourself “How’s so?” or “What is meant by success? money? happiness? both?”Overall though, I definitely think you have a great essay. Good luck!

  2. tricircular says:

    1 Don’t say “you”. Just stay in the first person. #2 What was the point of the rest of the essay? That is your ending. If you don’t have a point you need a new topic. You could basically just lose that last paragraph and sharpen the others.