What do you think of the excerpt of my college application essay? What could I do to improve it?

Author F. Scott Fitzgerald of The Great Gatsby displayed one main theme: the American Dream. What is the American Dream in many eyes? Well it's the tidal wave of success and money, satisfying all material desires. It's the spacious and exquisite home within suburbia, with the white picket fence, as children play in the emerald grass, soaking up the product of material success and breathing in refreshing air. It's recognized as success, as people hungrily thrive to attain that product. However, even though I'm a aspiring author and journalist, I have a different view of success . Even though I want to grasp for the gold in order to make a living in this world, I don't want the gold's gleam to control me, distorting my strong morals with selfish desires. I don't desire to become a sell out, shaping myself into a completely different person while grasping the American Dream. So, Jay Gatsby of F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby is the person who I would never strive to be, proving that the American Dream isn't as great as it seems. Like myself, Mr. Gatsby was ambitious and strove for success. For instance, we both recognized the severity of our surroundings- from the dangers of even walking into the streets at night, threatening of me living another day, to watching my mother struggle to make ends meet so she could pay rent. Moreover,even though we both had different lives, we both wanted a better life. We both worked hard in order to escape, sacrificing hours of sleep to either keep up good grades, or working long hours. However, unlike Jay Gatsby, I don't strive for success based on material desires, subduing my morals.For instance, I refused to go down the same road of some people from many generations have walked, like getting tangled into a life of drugs in order to gain the American dream.As a result of reading Jay Gatsby of The Great Gatsby dropping out of college to go into bootlegging, I saw the image of many people I knew getting sucked up into a world of drugs and violence just because they wanted wealth. I heard the news of my cousin getting into drug dealing echoing through my head, showing how his life went down one step towards his downfall; first prison, then turning back to his occupation from the underworld, and then an attempt of suicide after nearly taking away someone else's life, stealing his vision.As a result of visioning the dead image of Jay Gatsby, It influenced me not to get involved in illegal activities, condensing my morals. So, instead of being lured to the streets, I kept myself out of trouble.Instead clouding my brain with drugs and alcohol like some people my age would do to fit in, I transferred my emotions into prose and poetry. I created new worlds and conveyed emotion in prose for pleasure, not for the promise of the mansion in suburbia. Moreover, attending college isn't just my plan of acquiring loads of money. My purpose of attending a university is to expand my knowledge and sharpen my craft, and to enjoy my freedom, while at the same time to be challenged in order to mature. Most of all, I want to succeed in my aspirations as being a writer, and to be proud of myself by staying persistent. My aspirations have nothing to do with the product of the American Dream.

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2 Answers to “What do you think of the excerpt of my college application essay? What could I do to improve it?”

  1. perplexities says:

    Where you have So, Jay Gatsby put futhermore………Good Essay….very strong….

  2. geotaxis says:

    It sounded like a soap opera of your life. It’s rather cliché but, depending on where you’re applying, this saccharine-sweet and reflective prose will be sucked up like mother’s milk to those officers, and they will simply love how much you have overcome adversity and the like.Tacky, but cute.