What else do I need to add to my essay or fix?

"Beep, beep, beep!" My alarm clock shrieked shrill enough for the whole house to hear. I was dreaming about my goals again. Goals are something everyone fantasizes about, not just me! My Goals are to graduate college, become a successful optometrist and raise a family. My small but almost necessary goal is to become a graduate of a good college. This is exceedingly vital to me because I want to have a good education that leads me to a well paying job. People who haven’t gone to college have influenced me to want to go to college because they say there are more career opportunities with a college degree, or they say, "I really wish I went to college." This leads me to aspire a good college education. Do you want to go to college? A good education may not seem desirable to you, but it’s a huge fantasy for me. I wouldn’t mind going to a well-known, successful college. The college I dream of getting accepted to is The New England College of Optometry, which is located in Boston, Massachusetts.On the other hand, after graduating college and getting a degree, I would think the world of emerging into a successful optometrist in the future. I would adore working at any eye care facility in any state. Maybe I would even open my own office somewhere in New England! Optometry has always been appealing to me; I’m not quiet sure why. The human eye fascinates me I guess. Every time I step foot into an eye doctors office I feel like I belong there. I cannot wait until this goal of mine has been reached.Raising a family is almost every girl’s delusion. Supporting a large family is a large expense. Vaguely I would cherish having a small sized family, of two children (in which I would desire to adopt). Raising a family would benefit me because I wouldn’t feel like I was ever alone and I could help other children who don’t have a loving family of their own by adopting them. My love for caring for younger children also helps me want to accomplish this goal. In addition, I would also love to get married. All and all raising a family would be my ideal life goal. After thinking about my goals, I’ve come to a simple conclusion that I want to graduate college, become an optometrist and raise a loving family. Someday I hope my dreams will come true, but for now all I can do is fantasize.

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4 Answers to “What else do I need to add to my essay or fix?”

  1. paleoherpetology says:

    i think it is good the way it is.one suggestion is that you might want to think of a better conclusion for your second paragraph.

  2. cell says:

    you wouldn’t say “well paying” you would say “job that pays well” also “I had gone to college” not “I went to college”. Leave off “one the other hand” because you are not changing your argument. That sentence doesn’t really make sense, so you may want to re-word it anyway. “Delusion” is not the word you want, either, I don’t think. It’s a negative term that means you see things that aren’t there. I think you mean “aspiration”. Vaguely is also a strange word to use. It means you’re unsure. Just leave it out and start the sentence with “I would cherish”. I do like the beginning and ending very much. Good luck!

  3. dacy says:

    Here are some grammar and style things I noticed:In the first paragraph you have Goals capitalized after the word ‘My”1st paragraph–comma after “successful optometrist”2nd paragraph–take out the word “almost” at the beginning, it weakens your statement2nd paragraph–put commas around “but (almost) necessary”2nd paragraph–”well-paying” (hyphenated)2nd paragraph–the 3rd sentence is really long, try splitting it into 2 sentences2nd paragraph–the word “aspire” shouldn’t be used like that3rd paragraph–”emerging” doesn’t make much sense there, it would be fine to say that you want to be an optometrist3rd paragraph–the last sentence is awkward, try “I cannot wait until I’ve reached my goal.4th paragraph–”delusion” is not the right word, try another synonym of dream4th paragraph–the second sentence feels out of place, just take it out4th paragraph–i don’t think “vaguely” works there4th paragraph–comma after “ever alone”4th paragraph–comma after “all in all”

  4. peltry says:

    I think its good the way it is