Would you read this fanfic story if I started it like this?

So, at first, I was thinking that it was a New York thing. I mean, we New Yorkians are known for being eccentric, if nothing else, right? But then, I thought about it and figured it out : It's just a freaking "Private School" thing. I mean, none of the PUBLIC schools I went to -before my mom's boyfriend Daniel suggested that I go to a private school to "stimulate my brain" and I was enrolled at Thomas Jefferson's Private School for my first year of highschool, ofcourse- ever ever ever made an entire class take a school trip on the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL. I mean, a week before school ended wouldve been.. Eh.I can live with "eh", but the very last day of school? That's beyond "eh", that's borderline suicidal. I mean, was TJPS's history teacher, Ms. Effie, just begging to be killed when she thought of this whole trip thing? And, to make it worse, Ms. Effie just had to throw in an extra surprise : When we returned to school in September, she expects an 5000 word essay done on some Greek god, or hero or whatever of our choosing...5000 words was what caught my attention at first,it hurt my dyslectic brain just thinking about it.Next to catch me off guard was the whole Greek gods thing. I mean, Ms.Effie had an abnormal obssession with them and told us the museum we were visiting was all about them but studying fairytales wasnt the way I planned on spending my summer. That's an assignment my friend Nico would pass with flying colors,though. Well, Grover would too, but he'd probably write about that half goat god... What was his name? Oh yeah, Pan.Grover never failed to remind me. He practically worshipped that little half animal thing for some reason. Anyway, I'd probably just ask Nico or Grover to help me with the assignment... History was the only subject Nico actually bothered to show interest in. I mulled over all these thing as I stood outside THPS,hiding behind the Thomas Jefferson statue.Ms.Effie was waiting along with about 70 students for our school bus to show up. It was slated to show up about a half an hour ago at 12, but with the weather so hot, I figured that the bus driver was caught up in traffic with every other sane person in NY trying to get to the shore... That, or he'd just decided to not show up. The sun beat down on my exposed back ( why did I let my mom convince me to wear a tanktop?) and I swiped the sweat off my brow with the back of my hand. I glanced at my wrist watch, then scanned the crowd. There was no sign of Nico or Grover anywhere, and I knew that I had to join the crowd soon. Ms. Effie would start reading off names of each participant soon, and though I would love for her to count me as a no show, my mom would have a heart attack if I wasnt on that bus today. I push a strand of my shoulder length black hair behind my ear and examine the crowd once more; There's no sign of the color black anywhere so I know that Nico is nowhere around,and no one's wearing a faded blue baseball cap or walking with a limp so Im positive that Grover isnt here either. The school bus could be here at any minute, and if neither of my friends showed up, I'd be boarding it with America's most spoiled and snotty group of classmates.

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2 Answers to “Would you read this fanfic story if I started it like this?”

  1. unbuffered says:

    A bit of constructive criticism here :) you sometimes switch from the past tense to the present tense, e.g.”I swiped the sweat off my brow with the back of my hand.”Is in the past tense”I push a strand of my shoulder length black hair behind my ear and examine the crowd once more”Is in the present tenseIt’s a good idea to think what time-frame you want to set your story in. Since the beginning sounds like a recollection of a past memory I recommend the past tense. being coherent will help you to avoid confusing your reader.

  2. looeys says:

    I totally recognize the original (Percy Jackson, right?) and I really like how you wrote this. I love the sarcasm and darker sense of humor. I would definitively read it myself!