I need some help with editing…?





Hi, i have to turn in a essay about something over the summer. Well, its kinda like a story. So, i was wondering if someone could edit my mistakes, if you are in the mood to =p I think i spelled most of the words right. Hopefully all of them. But I still need help to see if it has staid on topic and if anything doesn't make sense.Thanks!Beach Fun I could tell I was getting burnt. My back was slowly turning a cherry red. I softly touched the redness. It turned white, and then slowly went back to red. Mom was right, some sunscreen would help. I never liked using it, because it smelled odd. I looked at the water, it was nice and sleek. It was like looking at a piece of glass.I threw a small rock at it, making little ripples form on the surface of the water. The air smelt salty. But yet, it was still refreshing. It was quite a peaceful day. Kids where laughing and playing in the water. Seagulls chirped and flew about. I walked slowly on the rocks and shells trying my best not to scrape up my feet on the sharp edgy barnacles. I looked up and watched my nutty brother, Travis, splash my cousins as they were slowly making their way into the water. They shrieked once the water hit them. I knew that water was cold. Jumping in that water was like walking in the snow, with just a t-shirt and shorts on. But the blistering sun made me want to go in. I was so hot and bored, sitting on the shore by myself. I slowly walked towards the water. I didn’t want, Travis to see me, cause I did not want the get splashed.I could see that the water was starting to get a little rough. It was because more boats were coming out to enjoy the sea air. I looked at a little fishing boat not to far from shore. It looked like a young boy and his father were fishing. They looked like they were having a lot of fun. I remember fishing off a dock one time. I caught at least five little fish. Then I heard my mother calling me, breaking me out of my flashback. "Savanna! Travis! Come over here, so that I can take a picture!". I made my way over to my brother. I looked up at him. He had a wicked grin lay upon his face. I got suspicious."Smile!" mom said grinning. I smiled big, and looked straight at the camera. "Okay, I’m done" she said. I was about to turn, but that’s when a huge wave of icy water hit me. I screamed, and swirled around glaring at my brother. He couldn’t stop laughing. I did not find it very amusing. My blood was pulsing so fast, as I started to thrust my hands into the water. And that’s when the water fight begun…



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4 Answers to “I need some help with editing…?”

  1. diatom says:

    I could tell I was getting burnt. My back was slowly turning a cherry red. I softly touched the redness. It turned white, and then slowly went back to red. Mom was right–some sunscreen would help. I never liked using it because it smelled odd.I looked at the water; it was nice and sleek. It was like looking at a piece of glass.I threw a small rock at it, making little ripples form on the surface of the water. The air smelled salty, yet refreshing. It was quite a peaceful day. Kids where laughing and playing in the water. Seagulls chirped and flew about. I walked slowly on the rocks and shells trying my best not to scrape up my feet on the sharp-edged barnacles. I looked up and watched my nutty brother, Travis, splash my cousins as they were slowly making their way into the water. They shrieked once the water hit them. I knew the water was cold. Jumping in the water with just a t-shirt and shorts on was like walking in the snow. I was so hot and bored, sitting on the shore by myself, that the blistering sun made me want to go in. I slowly walked toward the water. I didn’t want Travis to see me for fear of getting splashed.I could see that the water was starting to get a little rough because more boats were coming out to enjoy the sea air. I looked at a little fishing boat not too far from shore. It looked like a young boy and his father were fishing. They looked like they were having a lot of fun. I remember fishing off a dock one time. I caught at least five little fish. Then I heard my mother calling me, breaking me out of my flashback. “Savanna! Travis! Come over here, so that I can take a picture!”. I made my way over to my brother. I looked up at him. He had a wicked grin on his face, and I got suspicious.”Smile!” mom said, grinning. I smiled widely, looking straight at the camera.”Okay, I’m done” she said. I was about to turn when a huge wave of icy water hit me. I screamed, and swirled around glaring at my brother. He couldn’t stop laughing. I did not find it very amusing.My blood was pulsing so fast, as I started to thrust my hands into the water. And that’s when the water fight began…I didn’t highlight the changes at all, but I hope that’s helpful anyway.

  2. elleman says:

    “Some sun screen ‘would have’ helped, would be better than ‘would help.” It’s the past tense. The sun burn has happened already. “smelled,” not “smelt.” Smelt is not a word.Write either ‘but’ or ‘yet,’ not both in ‘but yet it was still refreshing.’ Both words pretty much mean the same thing. It’s redundant to use them both. Write ‘I knew the water was cold,’ not ‘I knew that water was cold.’ ‘I didn’t want, Travis to see me, cause I did not want to get splashed.’ You don’t need a comma after ‘I didn’t want’ and you should write ‘because,’ not ’cause.’You should write ‘more people were bringing their boats out so they could enjoy the sea air,’ or something like that to convey the idea that the people and not the boats were enjoying the air. Boats don’t enjoy anything. They are not alive.Don’t write ‘He had a wicked grin lay upon his face.’ Just write, ‘He had a wicked grin on his face.”That’s when the water fight began,” not begunBasically all of my corrections are minor things. You write well. It’s a good story. Good luck.

  3. Kwok-Wa says:

    WOW! Sound great! You should become a writer one day. Anyways…looks ok to me. Thx 4 the 2 pts! Hope this helped! (If I had any suggestions, I would start the first few sentences with something other than it or I.)

  4. correspondingly says:

    Beach FunI could feel the burn coming, my back slowly turned a cherry red. I softly touched the redness; It turned white, and then slowly went back to red. Mom always gave good advice, some sunscreen would have helped. I never liked using it, because it smelled odd. I looked at the water, nice and sleek like a piece of glass. I threw a small rock at it, little ripples formed on the surface of the water. The air smelled salty, yet refreshing. Kids laughed and played in the water. Seagulls squawked and flew about. I walked slowly on the rocks and shells trying my best not to scrape up my feet on the sharp edged barnacles. I looked up and watched my nutty brother Travis splash my cousins. They shrieked as the water hit them. I knew the coldness of the water. Jumping in felt like an icy punch to the face. The blistering sun made me want to go in. I was so hot and bored sitting on the shore by myself. I slowly walked towards the water. I didn’t want Travis to see me, because I did not want to get splashed. I could see the water start to get a little rough. More boats were coming out to enjoy the sailing weather. I looked at a little fishing boat not to far from shore. It looked like a young boy and his father were fishing. They looked like they were having a lot of fun. I recalled fishing off a dock many years ago. I heard my mother calling me, awakening me from my flashback. “Savanna! Travis! Come over here, so that I can take a picture!”.I made my way over to my brother. He had a suspicious grin upon his face. “Smile!”, mom said . I crack a big smile and looked straight at the camera. “Okay, I’m done”, she said. I was about to turn when a huge wave of icy water hit me. I screamed, and rotated around to find my brother in a fit of laughter. I did not find it very amusing. My blood was boiling. I thrust my hands into the water and began my counter-attack.