Does this make sense? is it ok? a thesis statement for an essay in my english class?

my teacher asks us to write a "thesis statement" for an essays we have to write. Here it goes....tell me all the mistakes i make please!In the novel ''The Great Gatsby", by F. Fitzgerald and in the play, "Othello" by William Shakespeare both Othello and Gastby are selfish because their egos brought nothing but deaths and broken hearts. it forces them to think that nothing will come between their love and happiness.

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7 Answers to “Does this make sense? is it ok? a thesis statement for an essay in my english class?”

  1. cappella says:

    Don’t know much about the novel nor the play but….In the novel “The Great Gatsby”, by F. Fitzgerald and the play “Othello”, by William Shakespeare, The characters of Othello and Gastby share very common characterstics.

  2. ARLINE says:

    In the second sentence what do you mean by “it.” Probably want to say “egos” there instead.

  3. scrowle says:

    Underline the titles of novels and plays. We use quotation marks for the titles of short stories and songs.Did your teacher specify that the thesis must be a single statement? You have two sentences.I don’t know what you mean by “it,” but I’m assuming you mean “egos,” which is plural. “Ego” is singular, and would be an “it.” Avoid using a pronoun until you’ve used the noun it would refer toTry to get more quickly to the idea you want to put forward. You might start with the ideas you presented last: Love and happiness are sacrificed for ego in both the novel and the play. Remember to put the titles and authors in as you did in your draft sentence.

  4. aplanogamete says:

    I think the thesis is very rough and should be reworded. Lose the last sentence. “The Great Gatsby” by F. Scott Fitzgerald and the play “Othello” by William Shakespeare share similar themes of appearances versus reality, the carelessness that often accompanies wealth and stature, and how one’s focus on self-importance can lead to ultimate downfall.”That would be my start.

  5. enticeful says:

    A thesis usually has at least three points to it. Also instead of “it” say “Their egos”. The three points is so that later in the essay you can have one paragraph for each point.

  6. unroots says:

    This needs to be more concise. You should be able to make your statement in 1 sentence and two only if really necessary. Also, try not to use the passive voice (the verb to be, basically). Action verbs work better in an essay. So, instead of saying they ‘are selfish’, say something like ‘Gatsby’s and Othello’s ego’s exemplify their selfishness, as they broke hearts and caused deaths amongst their loved ones (just an example, still not perfect). Keep working at it and you’ll hit the mark.BTW, I hated the Great Gatsby, and i had to write a several similar essays about it, so I’m sorry you’re going through it right now. Good Luck!

  7. mephitic says:

    It’s a good thesis, but you only need the first sentence. You don’t need the second sentence as part of the thesis. Instead, use it for an example in the essay.