Does this paragraph seem too persuasive?

Okay, I'm writing an essay for my ap english class about what I learned. I kind of put it off so now I only have 2 days to get it down and I'm still working on a first draft. *sigh* anyway, I couldn't find much to say for my first paragraph and what I wrote I find to be kind of persuasive and too casual for the rest of the body. what you guys think and what can I improve? thanks♦♦♦♦One thing I learned was the existence of questions for probing. In class, the tool was never mentioned to me. So, I was a little skeptical that it was anything great. But, when I was completing one of the exercises that had you pick a subject and use the questions, I was baffled. I mean, I’ve always had trouble finding something to write about for class and the topics were just popping in my head like magic.Secondly, I learned that a tentative thesis is crucial when beginning to write the body of an essay. Perhaps this rule is basic information, but it was new to me. Before reading the book, I had believed the thesis was just the body’s main points combined by a series of commas and placed at the end of the introduction. However, now I know that the body of an essay is completed with the thesis in mind and not the opposite way around.20 hours agoAnother rule that has been brought before my eyes is that the body of an essay is usually written before the introduction. My way of thinking before had been that the introduction should be completed first, as the thesis was contained there, and it began an essay. I learned that this isn’t the case because by writing up an introduction first, rather than second, it will only cause more work when your essay body doesn’t match up with the introduction.

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4 Answers to “Does this paragraph seem too persuasive?”

  1. cheilostomatous says:

    I wouldn’t say it’s too persuasive, but it may be a bit too casual. How formal does your teacher want this to be? If formality isn’t an issue, I wouldn’t worry about it, but if he or she is someone who believes papers should be formal, then you might want to look into changing the informal “you” in your fourth sentence, and, if I was in your position, I’d reword the beginning of your fifth sentence to say something less casual than “I mean, . . .” Overall, I think you have a good start to your paper. It sounds fluent, and you have good points with good supporting evidence to back your claims.

  2. surbed says:


  3. glottalite says:

    Attention span:———————————–…Edit: ok i felt bad so i came back.. i know wats its like to try to do something at the last second.. umm well i love the second and third paragraphs and i like the first paragraph just sum it up a little i guess.. and in the second paragraph dont say “opposite” .. it sounds like it doesnt belong…. umm overall very nice =]

  4. gilder says:

    Yeah, I would say so… *o* (yawn)