English Essay Help?

Hello everyone,I am to write an essay for English on people who lie and deceived during World War II. It was to be 6-8 pages long but was reduced to 4, so I've started with a rather long introduction. I'd really like some constructive criticism or tips on my writing. It is going to be about a German boy who has grown up with a rough life and despises physical violence after seeing his father hurt his mother and his mother hurt him. When he is recruited into the German Army he quickly realizes what he is told to do is very wrong and helps the jews... he eventually gets caught and as an EPIC ending shot in the back of the head.The obviously lying and deceiving here is the German officer helps the jews, were he is supposed to be killing them/making their lives miserable. This is for a year 9 essay.(I will post it below)

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One Answer to “English Essay Help?”

  1. depositum says:

    the essay is really good although a few verbs need to be in the past tense as that was when you origionally started out writing in so it needs to continue throughout the document. also this scentence in the first paragraph is kinda awkward.”her blue eyes were large and contrasted her bright pink face like nothing else.” it sounds awkward when you contrast her face, i know your trying to depict the differences shown although i would use different vocabulary.this other part doesn’t make much sense either, “I honestly thought she would take her own life just for me… “I understand what you are trying to convey although a different syntax would work better, as right now you are saying that she was going to kill herself just because of you?Other than that it sounds great and I hope that this helps you out!