I need critiquing on a HS Social Civics essay?





As part of my final test for the course, I must write an essay (worth 10 points of my final grade) based on a news article discussing an unsolved problem. Here is the article I'm using: [external link] …For my essay, I have to think over how the problem should be solved, what level of government should be responsible (state, local, federal) or if it should be handled by private citizens.Writing a letter to a government official or a friend, it must outline (1) the nature of the problem, (2) the solution I think best fits the problem, and (3) the best arguments and examples I can think of to convince the person to whom I am writing to adopt the solution. Please, read it over, and tell me what you think. This is for American School of Correspondence, in case you are curious. Attn: Department of Health and Human ServicesTo whom it may concern: The question is: are we prepared for another epidemic? We’ve seen how, in a medical crisis, the government isn’t always able to immediately gain the control it needs over the situation. When a new disease hits, either on our soil, or in other parts of the world, will the U.S. be able to prevent its spread? This problem doesn’t have easy solution, and requires that State and National levels of government work together. National government is mainly responsible for overseeing what comes into the U.S. They are responsible for the research that goes into cures and prevention of diseases. Federal agencies are in charge of identifying threats, understanding the situation, brainstorming solutions, and then enlisting the assistance needed to put this plan into action. State government’s major sources of help are areas like population control, man power from National Guards and other forces, as well as resources. These resources include everything from food and water supplies, health care facilities, and labs for reproducing vaccines and cures.Why is the possibility of an epidemic such a threat? On June 17, 1916 an official announcement was made in Brooklyn, New York that confirmed the existence of a polio epidemic. With over 27,000 cases and 9,000 deaths that year, panic drove the nation to chaos. Population fled cities, families exposed to the disease were quarantined to their houses, and public gathering areas were deserted. Children were separated from their parents for months at a time. Those who lived were left deformed or even paralyzed. Each summer this epidemic surfaced in some part of the country or another. Hundreds of thousands contracted the disease, with tens of thousands dying. The government was unable to find a source, a cause, or a cure. 68 years after the first epidemic, the Sabin vaccine was licensed and distributed to the nation. If another epidemic rises, will the results be the same? Will hundreds of thousands of people be affected before a solution is found? What about in foreign countries? Can the U.S. provide assistance while maintaining the integrity of a national health defense program to protect its own citizens? With the world’s population growing the numbers of those affected will be greater than ever before. The government needs to have a solution in place, not just for when it happens, but in taking extra steps to make sure it doesn’t.



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2 Answers to “I need critiquing on a HS Social Civics essay?”

  1. consistent says:

    I’m glad you brought up swine flu since that’s a more pressing issue. Report Abuse

  2. encase says:

    I made a bunch of corrections and then added some notes in caps so you would see them.Attn: Department of Health and Human ServicesTo whom it may concern: The question is: are we prepared for another epidemic? We’ve seen how, in a medical crisis, the government isn’t always able to immediately gain the control it needs over the situation. [EXAMPLE NEEDED] When a new disease hits, either on our soil, or in other parts of the world, how will the U.S. be able to prevent its spread? This problem doesn’t have easy solution, and requires that state and national levels of government work together. The national government is mainly responsible for overseeing what comes into the US and is responsible for the research that goes into cures and prevention of diseases. Federal agencies are in charge of identifying threats, understanding the situation, brainstorming solutions, and then enlisting the assistance needed to put this plan into action. [CAREFUL HERE, YOU SHOULDN'T LECTURE THE GOVERNMENT ON WHAT THE GOVERNMENT DOES, ARGUABLE IRRELEVANT]State government’s major sources of help are areas like population control, man power from the National Guard and other forces, as well as resoures that inclue everything from food and water supplies, health care facilities, and labs for reproducing vaccines and cures. [AGAIN, MORE LECTURING ON WHAT THE GOVERNMENT DOES.]Why is the possibility of an epidemic such a threat? On June 17, 1916 an official announcement was made in Brooklyn, New York that confirmed the existence of a polio epidemic. With over 27,000 cases and 9,000 deaths that year, panic drove the nation to chaos. Population fled cities, families exposed to the disease were quarantined to their houses, and public gathering areas were deserted. Children were separated from their parents for months at a time. Those who lived were left deformed or even paralyzed. Each summer this epidemic surfaced in some part of the country or another. Hundreds of thousands contracted the disease, with tens of thousands dying. The government was unable to find a source, a cause, or a cure. 68 years after the first epidemic, the Sabin vaccine was licensed and distributed to the nation. [1916 WAS A VERY LONG TIME AGO! NOT A CURRENT EXAMPLE.]If another epidemic rises, will the results be the same? Will hundreds of thousands of people be affected before a solution is found? What about in foreign countries? Can the U.S. provide assistance while maintaining the integrity of a national health defense program to protect its own citizens? With the world’s population growing the numbers of those affected will be greater than ever before. The government needs to have a solution in place, not just for when it happens, but in taking extra steps to make sure it doesn’t. [THEY KNOW THEY NEED SOLUTIONS; IT'S BEST TO GIVE THEM AN IDEA. ALSO THERE ARE PROBABLY TOO MANY RHETORICAL QUESTIONS HERE.]// Overall, I would try to add specific suggestions as well as logistical details on how to carry them out. As is, this a C paper.